Today I'm not in a happy mood.
I'm not unhappy,
and I'm not sad.
I don't know what I am at the moment.
I realise that todays mood mainly has to do with the fact that I'm on my period.
I tend to get very emotional when I'm on my period.
Dennis read what I was writing and wrote:
i know i'm not helping either....
it will get better because i will give you all the attention that you need
i love you mi principesa....
srce moje.
You fel asleep after writing me this message...
I don't know how you plan on giving me a lot of attention while you are asleep.
But well.
I will have to make myself feel better.
Just like I was planning to in the first place.
I need to talk about my feelings.
When I talk to somebody about my feelings I reason them much better.
Thats why I love talking.
I think much better when I talk.
The problem now is that I'm on the other side of the world.
Far from where my friends are.
I haven't had a good talk with one of my friends in ages.
I miss them.
Especially now.
hmmppfffff.
I feel alone
Even though I know I'm not alone.
I've been traveling for 9.5 months.
And at the pace we have been traveling I know that the rest of our trip is going to take us more than 2 years.
I don't know if I want this.
I also don't know if I would go home before finishing what I started.
Partially because I like the traveling
Partially because I don't want to fail
And partially because I don't know what to go home to.
I don't even have a home at home.
I'm starting to cry now.
I don't know why.
It's just emotions.
Just tears.
No more than that.
Yesterday I watched a documentary.
"Gasland".
The day before I watched another documentary.
"Waiting for superman".
This wasn't a very good idea.
Documentaries tend to make me sad.
Every time I watch one I feel something brake.
A part of my dream of having a better world breaks.
It breaks because I can't imagine change in a world where so many things are wrong.
Normally I'm a very optimistic person.
"The glas is half full" kind of girl.
Today I'm not.
The past few weeks have been very strange for me.
I have thought a lot but not enough.
I have thought about what my friend told me about wanting to change the world and making a list about how to start doing that just by looking at herself.
I tried to come up with a list.
It isn't that difficult actually.
I already have my list for months.
My problem is not in making the list but in deciding to live by it.
I know I want to change some things in my life.
But I also know that it is going to be chalanging to do it.
Thats why I keep proloning it.
A few weeks ago a guy whom I had just met told me that the problem in this world is that people are afraid.
Afraid to live their lifes the way they want to.
Afraid to do what they want to.
Afraid, just afraid.
He said that if people weren't so afraid there would be no depression
just happiness.
What James said makes me think.
James that was his name.
Yes, he makes me think of my own little depression of today.
If I wasn't afraid of changing those things that I want to change in my life I wouldn't have anything to be sad about.
I wouldn't be sad.
Thats what I am right now.
Sad.
The only reasonable thing to do right now is to write down my list and start living by it.
So here it goes:
- I want to look up more info about good ecologic nutrition.
- Stop drinking soda's or other non natural drinks.
- Stop eating fabricated food.
- Always try to find food that is organic or made at a farm.
- Always try to know where my food comes from.
- No more alcohol.
- Sport, strech and meditate every day.
- Find a volunteer project to work at.
- Find a Permacultura course to take.
- Find a good place for a spiritual retreat in Asia.
Basically think, feel and act ecological and sustainable. I don't want to be one of the reasons Gaia comes to an end...
Change.
Thats what I need.
